Food addicts

I was reading William Leith's "The Hungry Years". Not really my style of writing but the idea of binge eating and self-hatred-induced dieting seems so familiar to me. I have been around the corner.

Being a very self-conscious kid, I constantly think I am very fat and ugly. Doing well in sports and schools does not change the fact that I am not as pretty, delicate and girly as other girls. Interestingly, all adults around encouraged me to lose weight (except my father, who thinks being chubby is a nice thing). That confirmed my fear that I am "really" fat. Started my first diet regime when turning 13 years old. But never managed to lose any weight until stopping dieting at age of 24. I have been always 10 to 15 pounds heavier than most of my friends.

It was like... shame... I am fat because I eat too much. I feel so uncomfortable in the changing room, secretly comparing other girls' slim limps and my chubby calves. I stopped putting on faminine outfits and cutting my hair short, I gave in to the fact that I am fat. Meanwhile, I still tried all kinds of diets discretely, hoping one day I will be as slim as others.

I love foods so much. However, I never binge eating because I realised I am fat since very young age. But it is so hard to control the urge to nibble on dinner leftover, to snack on breads, or to early-terminate the life of my lunch box for tomorrow. Then I felt the guilt and the feelings is really sickening, sick enough that I wanted to throw up and I did. I must have been very depressed and didn't realise anything about it.

I am so glad it is all over now.